|
|
|
|
Excerpt 3 -- From chapter On Our Behalf The promise of social evolution has failed children from
divorced homes. Thirty-five years
have passed since Let’s talk about change. Let’s begin by changing a couple of assumptions. The first assumption to change is the notion that pieces of paper filed at the county courthouse represent what is significant about divorce to children. Families with parents living apart tend to share many common risk factors, whether the parents were ever married or not. Likewise, children raised in homes with unhappily married parents are more likely to have relationship problems than those raised in happily married homes. (Although they are still less likely to display problems than those from divorced homes.) Regardless of their parents marital status, children will be affected by how their parents relate to each other and how their homes function. The second assumption to dispel is the belief that divorce legislation is the answer. The fundamental flaw in the battle between previous fault-based divorce laws and our current no-fault divorce laws is that this debate ignores an important trend. Never-married parenting is on the rise. Putting the squeeze on divorce by making it harder to attain will only increase the incentive for couples to remain unmarried, even with children involved. In short, we can’t go back to the way things were; no law can change that. Let’s talk about changing the way we do research. Research on those with divorced parents has historically been mired by hairsplitting over the question: “Does legal divorce cause or merely correlate with the problems ACODs typically experience.” Let’s start with the assumption that the situation often found in divorced homes is a problem of multiple stressors and with long-term implications. Divorce’s impact on kids can’t be reduced to a one-time trauma, or a single stressor. Let’s change the focus of research from isolating demographic risks and resiliencies, to finding the best intervention strategies. In addition, let’s shift from selective, piecemeal solutions, to holistic solutions. Current state-sponsored intervention strategies, including mediation and parenting instruction, usually take place at a single point – that of divorce. Let’s instead test programs designed to work at multiple points of intervention including: 1) Families before the separation to prevent it, if possible; 2) Families during the divorce transition; 3) Parents and kids at various developmental points following separation; 4) Teenagers planning their educational and occupational paths following high school; 5) ACODs in early after high school; 6) ACODs expecting their first child. Let’s change the way we measure success of intervention strategies. Instead of relying on parent satisfaction to weigh success, let’s make child outcome the target. Let’s change the absence of research on what ACODs can do to help themselves in life and love. Let’s replace apathy and isolation with awareness and involvement by providing tools to support growth. In several areas, I felt like I was inventing solutions on subjects like how to trust, how to grieve, how to get unparentified. We need information, guidelines, support groups and mentorship. One final request on the research front, let’s just bury the old question of if divorce is bad for kids because of divorce, or because of the divorce package. Unless there is a realistic possibility of widespread change creating divorces that don’t look like divorces, smell like divorces, or sound like divorces, let’s put our energy elsewhere. Face it, the research showing that happy, intact homes reduce kids’ risk is fairly conclusive. When maintaining a happy, intact home isn’t possible, individual families should weigh the prospective risks against the resiliencies carefully. Can we move on now? Let’s change our political agenda. Education is a big divider between outcomes for offspring from intact and divorced homes. College funding, whether provided through custody arrangements or through grants, should provide young adults with the financial means to acquire a college education. Non-custodial parents are notoriously stingy with their college-aged offspring. Step-parent income is often calculated into what parents are expected to contribute, even if the step-parent is unwilling to assume financial responsibility. Unfortunately, college funding guidelines treat these things as exceptions, rather than common variations. The government does little to account for how unmarried, divorced, and remarried families actually contribute to children’s education. Grant and subsidy funding need to be commensurate with what students typically do receive, not what the government thinks they should. Let’s support ACOD resiliency. Some studies of resiliency (including ACOD resiliency) indicate that young adults from distressed backgrounds can turn their lives around by leaving their parents’ home. High school guidance counselors should be especially sensitive to the possible constructive influence leaving home can have on young adults, especially for parentified offspring, and should consider encouraging post-graduation paths which would gracefully remove them from their parents’ homes. Even if they can afford rent, young people often don’t have credit for an apartment, or experience looking for one. If this transition were easier for young adults, they might be less likely to seek security in partnerships at an early age, thus reducing the risk of early pregnancy. Let’s change the social milieu. Let’s change the way that family and friends of divorcing of divorced parents react. Since parents continue to be their children’s caretakers and providers, and because divorcing parents are human beings, they need support. It is important for family and friends to support them, but please do so honestly. Fostering unrealistic hopes will not change reality. Help parents understand that telling their children, “It’s not your fault.” will not mitigate the many risks associated with the divorce package. It takes more than that. Support parents so that they can manage more than that. Help divorced parents find ways interact constructively with ex-spouses. There is a lot divorce agreements don’t cover. Support kids in their own experience of their parents’ divorce. Don’t encourage kids to put their own feelings on the back burner for their parents’ sake. They are affected too. In terms of outcomes for children, divorce is a significant lifelong risk factor. Treat it with the same gravity as a death. The impact on a family is that significant. I would like to see divorced parents change the things in their control too. However, I hardly know what to say that hasn’t been said somewhere else in more detail several times by people with more knowledge of parenting than I have. There are many, many resources for parents who want to learn to do the right thing. It’s up to them to apply the knowledge.
Return to Profile.
|
|
Copyright © 2004.
|